My sadness and grief have found their mark...so sad today. Once again, I figured out how to get through Christmas, and I pushed through...leaving God behind as I did not like his ways. (Round and round I go...much like the Isrealites in the book of Judges...I feel I know a better way so I unwittingly turn away from God; I crash and burn and realize I've left God behind; I turn back to God and he lovingly embraces me; after a while I feel confident and start to think I can do it better and turn away from God...round and round I go!)

I miss Chuck. My heart is broken. I am mad that I have to turn to God...because I'm angry with him...and what's worse than having to turn to the one you are mad at to ask for their stinkin help????

So...I begin my morning with the realization of my turning away...my isolation from God and his truth...my sadness...my anger...crying to God and reaching out to him but being mad at him at the same time..."stupid God."

I called Shea for help with prayer...but she wanted me to start. Here was my part, "Why are you leaving me here? This hurts. I know enough to know this is where you want me...but I don't like this." Hmmm...great opening, huh?

Shea did the stuff I did not realize I still needed to do...she asked for comfort from God...she asked him to bring me peace.

I find it hard to ask for something that seems so impossible...especially from the one who has left me in the pit o' sorrow!

So, I thank God for Shea...for the push to ask for the impossible...for the push to turn to my loving Father who wants to hold me while I cry...even as I beat him on the chest to tell him how much I hate him...he just lets me beat until I'm exhausted. Then he holds me close while I bury my face in his chest and cry.