God and I came to blows last night..."You could have prevented this! I am soooooooo MAD at you. Why? Why leave me like this? Why? YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS." Lots of tears...lots of expressing myself...lots of uncovered anger. Whew.

God's blessings are new every morning....

I had some "issues"...some fears of being disciplined by God. Did I do something wrong? I have gone through such a long period of "suffering"...three and half years of faithfulness met with struggle, struggle, struggle. Did I do something wrong? (Often...a misunderstanding of who God is can lead to such damage...such heartache...and know that Satan LOVES this...taking a bit of truth and twisting it just so that it separates us from God.)

I was gently reminded...NO, God is not disciplining me...he is not punishing me...he is in the process of using my painful journey to bless me.

A question was raised to me this morning...why would all of this happen to me OTHER than to build my character? (that answer was not allowed) I could not come up with anything...and the idea was presented...HEY, this pain in your life...Chuck's suffering and death...they are because WE LIVE IN A FALLEN WORLD. We live in a mean, bitter, broken, battered, crushing, heartless fallen world. We are not at home yet...we are foreigners. If I am to be mad...Satan is my target. My suffering is the result of living in this fallen world...that I often try to call home. BUT WAIT...God makes ALL things work together for good. That's the hope he offers. He allows the junk...he does not cause it...it breaks his heart. While we live here, we will have trouble...but he will USE it for good. Rather than let evil rule absolutely...God uses Satan's handywork to bring blessing and hope.

In my up and down whirlwind of emotions..."God is sooo mean to me...God is so good to me...God has turned his back to me...God has taken tender, loving care of me..." it was amusing and reassuing to "hear" myself in Lamentations 3. Read it. It's even better if you hear it. To hear it, go here and enter Lamentations 3: http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/audio/

Lamentations 3:1-40
1 I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.

2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;

3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.

5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.

6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.

8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.

9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,

11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.

12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.

14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.

17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.

29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.

30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.

31 For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot
all prisoners in the land,

35 to deny a man his rights
before the Most High,

36 to deprive a man of justice—
would not the Lord see such things?

37 Who can speak and have it happen
if the Lord has not decreed it?

38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that both calamities and good things come?

39 Why should any living man complain
when punished for his sins?

40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
and let us return to the LORD.