Tuesday, August 04, 2009

It is Well

For a few weeks now I've been harboring ill will toward God. It all stemmed from a simple question at Bible study…do you expect God to respond to your prayers? Innocent enough question. It unearthed a world of hurt I had inadvertently buried. NO, I do NOT expect Him to respond to me…not anymore. Ouch. How did that happen? When did that happen?

Sometimes I am still shocked that God's answer to my daily begging was, "No." I did NOT see that one coming. I fully believed, fully expected healing…and not that lame, "he'll be healed in heaven" kind of healing. I expected Chuck to come home with me…for us to grow old together…or at the very least…to grow older together.

So, I've been harboring. "HOW, HOW, HOW can I trust You with my heart, LORD? You took my greatest joy. You took my delight…my greatest source of comfort and laughter. You took my hopes and my dreams. If You can't do that one thing for me…game over…because no other request could ever mean as much to me as the one for Chuck's very life."

In this discovery, I've turned back to God…angrily…poutily, but back nonetheless. And God has responded in gentleness. He's revealing His truth to my very heart. He is showing me my limited vision. He is showing me my prideful demand to understand His mind. He is showing me there is more than I can see and understand…there is more. There is something beautiful and complete in His, "No, Jan. It's time. I love you, and I'm taking Chuck home. I'm not asking you to understand. I'm asking you to trust me."

So, while I don't expect a "YES" to each request, I am coming to understand that each and every request is treated gingerly with ultimate love and good…that each "NO" is an opportunity for something precious and mysterious to soften within my spirit. While I'm still hesitant, I can hold my trembling heart out to God and know that it is ultimately safe.