Thought I'd share one miracle during Chuck's final days. I know I've mentioned how "God went before me" in certain areas. Sometimes it just overwhelms me when I see the path...God's gentle, sweet preparations made for me.

Where to start...Friday night shortly following the administration of the milk of amnesia...nope...earlier that day at counseling. The following topics were covered: First, people seemed unavailable...as if God were separating me from support...few people visited me and Chuck...people simply were unavailable. Why? I needed to learn to turn to God FIRST. When I was in pain, scared, overwhelmed, I needed to turn to God to comfort me. Second, I still did not trust God. However, that was a work in progress. Third, since my mother's death, I had been afraid to live. (Truly, this was news to me. After all, who in the world is actually afraid to live?) I was afraid to enjoy life...because the second I relaxed and felt "safe," someone might die and devastate me once more. Thus, I was not living the life God wanted..."life in all its fullness." And how did one go about doing this? The exact way I survived my mother's death...one moment at a time. I was to look at the sky and enjoy its beauty...I was to stay in the moment and note its joy.... I simply needed to stay in the moment. That was my homework...to stay in the moment and note life's wonders.

Now, jump ahead to 9:00 P.M. Dr. Figueroa (blessed doc) took me out of Chuck's room for the following conversation. "Chuck is fighting the vent. It's maxing out. He's getting 100% oxygen. There's really no place to go from here. We'll have to render him unconscious so that he will stop fighting the vent. Now, this is serious, Jan. This can easily go either way. The plan is to give him a rest." Most likely due to my blank stare, he kept gently emphasizing the seriousness of the situation. (Hey...he might die...are you getting this without me having to come right out and say it...because you don't look like you get it?)

Okay, so we go back into the room and get the milk of amnesia going. It was at that point that I tried to call Shea for prayer and support...granted, it was 11:00 at night. She was asleep in bed. Next, Mindy. She was away for a wedding and her cellular service was out of reach. (Enter, God's provision from earlier in the day....) I needed to trust God's provision for me...I needed to trust him period. (Much, much easier said than done). Okay, so clearly...my peeps were unavailable. Where to turn, where to turn? I went to the chapel. I laid down on the floor...face to the carpet. I was scared. I was so very, very scared. I did not trust God, and did not know how to trust him. I cried my heart out and frantically repeated this portion of scripture over and over. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, trust in the Lord with all your heart, trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART." The more I repeated it, the more I cried, the snottier my nose got...the louder I repeated "trust the Lord"...not even praying for trust...just desperately reaching out. My mind started to focus on ALL YOUR HEART. Then my mind drifted to my counseling session that day. GOD HAD PREPARED MY SESSION AND THE TOPICS OF DISCUSSION FOR THIS MOMENT...FOR THIS MOMENT OF SURRENDER. It suddenly made sense, I did trust him because he was trust worthy. Just look at how he had so tenderly prepared me for this. I knew right then and there...God could be trusted with Chuck. I did not need him to heal Chuck. I just needed God to hold me through whatever was ahead. (Note, I could not trust God...so he came to me and showed himself trustworthy. Funny, only God can change a heart.)

After blowing my nose in the cloth covering the alter...can you believe there was no Kleenex in the chapel???...I went up to Chuck's room...fully trusting God...a brand new woman.