Okay, I have been caught red-handed trying to control Chuck's situation...AGAIN. I was reminded today that Chuck's death was determined long before he drew his first breath. Further, I cannot prolong his life...but neither can I hasten his death...which is a huge load off. Yes, I mistakenly think I have the power over Chuck's life and death in my very hands. I was also reminded that before I put my trust in kind folks to come up and "save" Chuck, I need to put my trust in God.

I continue to struggle with that. I still doubt that he truly has our best interest at heart; that he would never hurt us or allow us to go through senseless pain. I do not trust what I cannot see...lack o' faith right there. I was just telling someone the other day, "Well, it's not faith unless you have to jump blindly forward. Otherwise, it's just doing what makes sense." Alas, "common sense" is the foolishness of the flesh...or something like that.

I remember clinging to Provers 3:5-6 at one point in this journey. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path." When I first saw hardware sticking out of his back; when Chuck swelled up so big that his eyeballs were protruding; when his kidneys stopped putting out fluid, I remember soothing myself, "Jan, no matter what you see, no matter how scary this looks, do not trust it. Do not trust what logically follows this course. Trust in the Lord. He is not bound by what makes sense to you. Whatever happens, we will be safe."

So, everyone can take a deep breath. You do not need to learn the ins and outs of Chuck's care. However, if the spirit moves you, you can stop by to bring me a Sprite Zero.