I am in awe of God's faithfulness to me. On my drive into work, I heard JUST WHAT I NEEDED to continue to fight the good fight. I am weary. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. Why? My expectations are NOT being met...not even close.

Let me back up a bit. The message I heard this morning described contentment as "accepting reality without expectation." My expectations? For Chuck to get better. For an army of volunteers to rise up to help. For things to go smoothely. For Chuck's nurses to be gentle, kind, attentive. For the doctors to listen to my input and use it to make Chuck better. All of this translate into what I really, really want. I want life to be comfortable again. I want to have fewer worries. I want to have a freakin day off.

I have lost my focus. Scratch that, reverse it. I have changed my focus. Formerly, when life was a bit easier, my focus was honoring God with my life. My focus now is getting Chuck better and getting him home. Ask anyone who has been watching me...I have devoted my entire being to this singular purpose. As a result, upon arriving back to San Antonio, I have been filled with anguish, despair, and anger.

This is the moment I've been training for. When a runner trains for a marathon, she trains for "the wall," the point when everything hurts and she cannot take another step. The point when she decides whether to continue through the pain or to quit. My entire Christian life has been a training ground for this wall...the scripture I've learned, the Bible studies, the sermons, the praise, the music...all for this moment. Alas, I've slowed down and am trying to figure out how to continue. That God...once again, He comes to my rescue...with a simple reminder...my purpose in life is NOT comfort. It is not be be happy. It is NOT to get Chuck better. It is to grow more and more in love with him. It is to make much of him. It is to radiate his love to the rest of the world. This simple shift in purpose changes EVERYTHING. This shift moves me from despair to hope...from disappointment to thanksfulness.

My friend Mindy sent me some scripture that I've been whining to God...focusing on the first part of the scripture and IGNORING the last because I found it utterly ridiculous:

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

You see, God has been good to me. He has been good to Chuck. His love for us goes so beyond our worldly purpose of finding peace in our lives. He has been loving us through this entire trial. I'm ready now. Wall schmall.