It's time to go home. Someone asked me today if I was excited...hard to say. This is my "first" buisness trip...and my "first" return home from a business trip. Please pray for strength. Upon arriving to Jacksonville, I burst into tears...no phone call "home" necessary. Know this, Chuck is still my home so I am feeling a bit homeless. Is there a reason to go back? I search my heart for a reason to go on...everyone lives for something or someone. As much as I love my sister; as much as I love my nieces and nephews...these do not fulfill my "purpose" criteria. These do not inspire as Chuck did. These do not relieve the ache. The only thing that spurs me on and gives me a sense of purpose is God. Yes this is a comfort...because there is someone to hope in...someone to push me forward when I just want to quit. But it is a shocking revelation to me. There was once a time...oh, wait! This reminds me of a Chuck story...

Our pastor was telling the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). The part that struck me was when Jesus tells Martha, "You are worried about many things, but only one thing is necessary...". So after service Chuck and I rush up to Paul. (This was during my seeking stage...not quite buying the Jesus thing, but looking into him very seriously.) Our conversation went something like this:

Jan: "Paul, what is it? What's the ONE thing?"
Paul: "Jan, everyone has to figure that one out for themselves."
Chuck: looking at me as if I had grown horns. "Basketball, Jan...basketball."
Paul: shakes his head and walks away

In any case, never would I have dreamed that GOD was my one. Yet here I am...facing the futility of my future without Chuck...finding little motivation in anything...knowing that "the one thing" that gets me out of bed in the morning is God. He gets me out and reminds me that I have a hope and a future.