At Grief Share last night we went over "the top twenty lessons of grief." This is not a Biblical list, but rather a sampling of lessons from fellow grievers:

#20 God uses suffering for good. As is noted with Jesus' crucifixion, very good things (eternal life/victory over death) come out of very bad things.

#19 Life was always out of control. Though we think we make the schedules and we determine our paths...they are all susceptible to God's revision.

#18 Delusions of strength will hurt us. "Self-sufficiency is a terrible place to be." If we "act" as if we are fine when we are not, we do more harm than good. It is not by our strength that we are healed anyway. As Paul notes in Romans 12:10, it is in our weaknesses that we are strong. (Only when we come to the of our own strength do we experience real strength...God's strength.)

#17 Enlisting help helps us heal. If I we keep to ourselves...we get stuck with our own thoughts...nothing new filters in. In sharing with others, we get input and fresh perspectives.

#16 Pray, pray, pray. This is the time to get real with God. Cry out to him. Yell at him. Not only can he handle our anger and pain, he can cover us with unimaginable comfort and peace.

#15 Let go of the spotlight. Initially we need help and are quite dependent upon others. However, we are not to rely on continued help. At some point, we must do the work...figure out the Internet, educate ourselves concerning finances. It takes work to grow.

#14 To heal, begin serving others. We are to share the comfort we've received. Our ability to serve will grow as we heal. However, we must grieve first. Do not put our grief on hold. Above all else, help others depend on God.

#13 Grief exposes our beliefs. It reveals any gaps between what we say we believe and what we really believe.

#12 The Bible is essential for healing. Scripture tells the truth about life and death. Without the truth of the Bible, we fall into the thinking of the world...thinking that leads to self and to separation from God.

#11 Grief teaches us what is important. It can lead to positive changes; like spending more time and energy on the people we love. However, it is a reminder that only what's done for Christ will last...all else fades whether in months, years, decades, or centuries...all else will fade.

#10 Knowing why will not take away pain. Really now...is there an adequate answer? No, of course not.

#9 Ease back into church. For some, church is a painful reminder of our losses, especially if a funeral was held there. For some, church was a partnered event with sentimental strings. Go slowly if you need to. Go for worship...then leave. Go late and get there for the message. No rush.

#8 Our thinking and behavior affects our feelings. We can get stuck with "good" lies, such as "I am more deserving of a marriage than them;" "It's okay for me to be demanding and selfish;" "I deserve to be bitter and angry." These "good" lies justify bad behavior. We must tell ourselves the truth. (See #12!)

#7 Our joy will return. Deep sorrow expands our capacity for joy.

#6 Grief isn't our biggest problem. What is grief but the collision of a troublesome experience (death) with our character defects. (We are a fallen people in a fallen world.) If the grief was taken away...the character defects would remain. What a wonderful time to look inward and have God heal our defects of character.

#5 God is good. After all, he took care of our sin issue for us. Our greatest need is not for happiness, but for reconciliation with God. God is the one who has himself entered into the suffering and brokenness of the human condition; the one who has borne death for things like our spiritual problems. For instance, he covers the fact that we take refuge in the wrong places...that we try to do things our own way...that we hurt others.

#4 Time does not heal all wounds. Time alone can mute the pain, but it will not heal it. Only God can heal a broken heart. Without God, we may have some relief from the pain, but we will never have healing.

#3 God uses suffering to help us grow. God will take us where we do not want to go to do in us what we are unable to do in ourselves. As noted in John 15:2, "for every branch that bears fruit, he prunes (ouch) so that it will bear more fruit."

#2 Joy and pain can coexist. We want out of pain. However, the pain of death never goes away completely. Pain will exist. Our memories will be bitter sweet. For the rest of our time on earth, our moments of joy will be seasoned with pain. However, our pain can be seasoned with joy! As Jesus said in John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

#1 God is sovereign (in control). The same God that planned Christ' death planned our loved ones' deaths. We are not victims of circumstance. We must accept the contingencies of the "if only's" as part of God's plan and purpose. (If only he had surgery. If only she had NOT had surgery. If only the doctors had... If only I had been more attentiive, more aware, more....) Everything is filtered through God's love for us...for our good and for his glory.