Oh the woes of being a "good girl." I am depressed, and I actually had to get permission before I just let go. Funny, I've been a believer for years...but I still don't get the grace thing...at least not down in my bones. I am still trying to earn points for good behavior. I reckon this will take the rest of my life...I know God is changing me, changing my heart, but OH SO SLOOOOOWLY.

So here's my struggle on top of being depressed. I still work under the "good girl" system...in which I am rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad behavior. In my economy, being depressed is bad, bad, bad. It is turning my back on God. Yep...nothing further from the truth...I'm telling you, me and Satan are walking much closer these days than I'd like. He whispers to me day and night...and I believe. So PLEASE pray concerning truth...and discernment.

In any case, I was depressed for days and spent all my energy trying to fight it...when God swooped in with what I needed. I needed truth from scripture. DEPRESSION IS PART OF GRIEVING. It is part of God's design for healing.

Then I was reminded of the book of Ecclesiaties. It has always been one of my favorites...I appreciate the honest search of a broken heart...questions that lead to truth. My friend said I sounded just like the author of Ecclesiaties..."Why does any of this matter? Why should I get close to people if they're just going to die? Everyone is going to leave me...so why, why, why get comfortable? Why believe that I can be happy again when it will all just end with sorrow? Why? Why? Why? It is ALL MEANINGLESS. LIFE IS MEANINGLESS." Yep, I'm living Ecclesiates.

But I digress...I still have a hard time believing that I can do nothing that will make God love me less...nor can I do anything to make him love me more. He loves me, end of story. I am the apple of his eye whether I like it or not! (And being a proud one...I do NOT like receiving anything that I have not earned. It chaps my hide to be on the receiving end of kindness when I have done nothing to earn it or worse, prove myself shamefully unworthy due to bad behavior!) Alas, I can do NOTHING to change God's outpouring of grace towards me.

So, what I'm trying to say in all this jumping from topic to topic is BROTHER, AM I DEPRESSED! (Clearly, inablity to focus is a sign of depression!!!) No, I don't stay in bed...but perhaps I should try it. I tend to fight all my natural instincts. I want to just stop...stop moving, stop breathing, stop everything. I want to cease to exist. Pooooof...I'm gone...all traces of me disappear....I never even existed. My pain never existed. Too bad...life does not work that way. Note to self...this is where I'm supposed to be. God wants me here...and I will not deviate until we're done with this portion of grieving. (Thus far, this is my LEAST favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)