We survived "The World's Largest Cocktail Party" by leaving town! Saturday was the Florida vs. Georgia game...thus Lynn, Brooke, and I went to historic St. Augustine.

As far as the grieving process goes...I'm working through some redefinitions. For so long my purpose in life was clear...care for Chuck. My hope was firm...my hope was concrete...get Chuck home. So now what???? I know in my head what my hope is...but my "hoper" isn't quite feeling it. My "truster" isn't quite feeling it either. Thus, I'm working through...what am I good for now? Yes, feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know "the truth"...just not feeling it.

Yesterday at church I had a breakdown...singing "I Surrender All..." because I have...sorta. At the time of Chuck's death...I did surrender Chuck...trusting God with my whole heart. The problem with a living sacrifice (my heart) is that it keeps crawling off the alter! There's a difference in surrendering and feeling like something has been taken. I guess yesterday I felt robbed...bitter. That feeling is a clear reminder that I'm MAD and need to cry to God. That bitterness sneaks up on me...every time I look around at "happy people" and start to resent them their happiness...I know it's got me again. The only way I know through bitterness is to feel that brokenness...to cry those words I find so humiliating..."it's not fair!" So I confessed to God...I cried..."I miss Chuck. I didn't want him to die...HELP ME THROUGH THIS. It's not fair." (I cannot stand feeling that way...to me it is such a sign of weakness...I cannot stand self-pity in myself. As a good friend of mine would prompt me...where does this pride come from? Oi.)

Even two months after his death, I still struggle with making Chuck an idol. It may be even more difficult now...as he becomes somewhat saintly in my memory...his challenging traits drop away and I'm left with his endearing qualities...a gift. Chuck was my heart. When it comes to Chuck, I've always struggled with worshipping the creation rather than the Creator. As I'm working through redefinition of myself and my place...I'm also working through redefinition of my god...so that the truth and my heart are in alignment. Thankfully the truth doesn't change. If only my fickle heart would follow suit!