I am currently having a lovers' quarrel with...well myself as Chuck loved to point out when we had spats. However this one is between me and God...but it took me a while to figure it out. The longer I walk with the Lord and the more intimate our relationship becomes, the more it reminds me of a marriage. Here's the deal...working backwards....

Saturday was an EXCELLENT day. I want to hold on to EXCELLENT and milk it for all its worth. After Saturday I wanted to feel good all the time...or at least for a long time. So Sunday I'm still clinging to the loveliness of the day before. Sadly, I'm realizing it is a short-lived-event. On Monday I start to realize...hey, I'm sick of this widow stuff. It hurts too much. It's too hard. It's only been 2 months and I am soooooooooo done with it! Done...done...done. As I tend to do when faced with...something big and ugly...I "drift". I turn dreamy...avoiding said ugliness. If it's between sadness, disappointment, grief or numbness...I take numb. Still though...I'm not making the connection with me, God, and my refusal to talk to him about my real feelings...the fear that I will never be happy again. If I don't say it...if I don't acknowledge it...it's not real.

Now Tuesday rolls around and I'm feeling kinda blah...and I know something's not right. Still don't know what. I figure...this is part of grieving...up/down/up/down. In my mind I'm still trusting God...still feeling all kissy-huggy...still denying my true feelings.

Today rolls around and it hits me...I'm A-N-G-R-Y. All of a sudden, I realize it's time to tell him what's what. My list of complaints is a bit long: This gig sucks! Yes, yes, we suffer so we can comfort others. Great...I don't want to do that. Nooooo...I do NOT want to be the one who holds the hand of the new widow because...that SUCKS. No one wants that job. I certainly don't want it. NOR do I want the task of walking people through the release of a loved one to death. NOR do I want the task of helping people deal with the pain of watching a loved one suffer for an extended period. Basically I've been molded and primed to handle all the really CRAPPY heartaches in life. GREAT! That's just GREAT! I want a new assignment please and thank you.

Now as I'm telling God what a mistake he's made with my life's direction, he is already softening my heart...softening my views...showing me the beauty of my roll...the joy and honor in my calling.