Chuck is fine. He sat in a chair for 45 minutes today. I haven't talked to wound care yet to get their analysis of his wounds.

This is one of the reasons why I LOVE where I work. I went in this morning, having cried all the way to work. (more on that later). Surprisingly, my face wasn't red and swollen. I went to wash it...and make sure I looked presentable...then went to see my friend Lynn. She was with Susan. (I love them BOTH). Catching up...Lynn comments on how strong I am...which led to me telling her I'd been crying all morning...and did not feel strong at all. Both women insisted that I take a sick day...and Lynn walked me to my cube to make sure I'd leave. Such angels! I work with the BEST people ever.

Okay, so why the crying? I'm tired. Chuck is depressed and sad. He gets upset every time I leave. It tears my heart in two. I can't help him. I pray for him. I listen to him. I encourage him to "just be sad" and to let it out. Alas, my boundaries with him get blurred and sometimes I take on his sadness. On top of that, I've been "fighting the system" as far as concerns with the attentiveness of some staff. Oi. The straw that broke my back was coming in early this morning to discover that his urine output was low. I tried to stay calm, but I just started reliving the memories of his kidneys shutting down in January. (Know this, upon arriving at the hospital around 4:30, output is normal. Thank you, God!!!)

I called Shea, who prayed me all the way in to work. She reminded me of David and Goliath...how God won the battle for David. I told her, "Yeah, yeah, God's won the battle, BUT MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN SO I DON'T REALLY CARE!" Shea is so sweet...she just let me cry and be heart broken. It's times like these that I realize I am not trusting that God loves me and Chuck. I'm not trusting that he is in control. I'm not trusting that he will make ALL things work together for good. And that's the answer to my heart ache...trust. A scripture that keeps rescuing me in these times is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." My understanding gets me into sooooooooo much trouble.

So, I spent the morning (with torrential downpours outside my window), eating popcorn and watching, appropriately enough, "Singing in the Rain." Then I slept for three hours. While all this helped soothe my mind, it was the quiet time crying to God that soothed my soul. I must hold on to truth...Chuck and I are precious to God. God will never take us anywhere that he has not checked out first. I just need to let go...let go...let go.