I was recently reminded that I have "done" death two ways. The first way was without God. Well, I started with God but quickly abandoned him. When my mother died, I hated and blamed God. I hated him for a looooong time. I was in absolute despair and could see no justice...no good in taking my mother...she was too young; I was too young. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. More than that; it was cruel, cruel, cruel. God was supposed to be loving, kind, gentle. What a bunch of lies. More than that, I thought that if I believed in God and lived a good life, my days would be happy and blessed. I believed that if someone loved me, they would never hurt me. Right? If someone loves you, they do everything within their power to please you. Well, God's all powerful so it seemed to me that I should NEVER be displeased. So quite obviously, God did not love me....he was not a loving God...he was senseless and cruel and it was ridiculous for me to follow him. So, I turned away. I turned to kind friends to help ease my broken heart. Of course, friends helped. (Even in my hatred of God, he lovingly sent me support.) However, I lost a few friends along the way...demanding more from them than they were able to give. I suffered for a long, long time...with a lot of hate in my heart.

This time I am doing death fully trusting God. Of the two...I take trusting God hands down. This time there is great peace and great comfort and a feeling of celebration in the midst of my sadness. I have a deep pain for my loss, but there is no despair. There is purpose and meaning to Chuck's death. There is joy in his trip home. God makes "everything beautiful in its own time." More than that, I understand true love now...that God loves me more than I can imagine. That he always does what is best for me; what is in my own best interest; what leads to greater love...even when I don't get it or can't see it. In addition, I know enough about "raising kids" to know that a parent does not live to please the child. The parent's duty is to loving bring up the child; disciplining, correcting, guiding and encouraging the child to maturity so that the child will have every opportunity for success.

If you are struggling with God, don't hold back. Let him have it. Fight hard...yell, scream, cry...use the "s" word and the "h" word...tell him he's stupid and you hate him...tell him how cruel he is...tell him how unfair all of this is. And when you are all fought out, let him comfort you. Let him show you how much he loves you. Shoot, you've already started a dialogue with all the yelling...be still and know that he is God. I promise you this; he loves you more than you can imagine. "Taste and see the Lord is good."