Hi! I'm back home. Wow, what a trip. Lots to cover, but figured I'd stick to the most pressing part. I have officially entered the heart of the ANGRY portion of my grieving process. I find this absolutely hilarious as it did not hit full-on until Sunday night...in Abilene of all places. Let me back up a bit...I passed the one-month-anniversary nicely. In fact I remember thinking, "Wow. This isn't so hard. Hmmm, perhaps I'm through the worst of it. This is not going to be nearly as bad as I thought..." Ha! Ha ha ha ha.

So Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling fine. Then I begin the drive home. Now my drive to Spearman was a new adventure for me...I went a way I have never gone before...through Amarillo to see friends...so all new. The drive home, however, was the SAME ONE CHUCK AND I HAVE TAKEN MANY TIMES. I felt his absence every MILE of the way. I cried from Spearman to Canadian to Childress (3 hours). I took a brief grief break from Childress to Abilene (2 hours). I stopped in Abilene to spend the night...crying while driving can be quite draining.

That night I pulled out one of my MANY grief books...and found a section on ANGER. Remember the "hate" phase I was going through? That has passed, blessedly, and I wish only good things for my previous targets. Turns out, that hate was misplaced anger. It is easier to hate someone than to admit that you are angry at the person who has died. I am pissed at Chuck Picciuti. Don't know about you, but our wedding vows came with fine print. There's that whole "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" stuff...the part that includes God. Then there's the extra part..."We will grow old together. We will be there for each other through every trial. We will comfort each other in our sadness. We will always be there for each other...always...always...always. We will never ever leave" part. Well here I am...still holding up my end of the bargain!

So upon reading my grief book, I am instructed to keep my cussing (not cursing) current. (The book defines cussing as expressing anger and frustration.) I am angry that he died. I cannot believe he left me alone to deal with all of this sadness without him! So all this stuff comes pouring out...stuff I did not realize I was diverting or trying to squash. Whew...I'm pissed...like 30 minutes of ranting pissed.

I am not fully able to express my relief at knowing that I am ANGRY with him...and that this is not as easy as I thought it would be. Weird?

Okay, so I am angry. I am angry Chuck died. I am angry he left me to deal with this without him. But more than anything, I miss him horribly.