Ella is the chaplain who helped me yesterday. Something she said kept coming back to me ... the part about me not being any more righteous when I think I'm being righteous as when I think I'm rebelling. I guess I thought if I was good enough, God would heal Chuck. (Stop laughing!) It's the themometer thing all over again. Apparently I hold myself in high esteem ... thinking I can control the outcome of Chuck's illness by sheer will. It's funny ... these things happen slowly ... then before you know it, you've wandered so far from truth. Here's the deal. God is in control of this. He is loving and kind and good and just. He is that way if I'm at Chuck's bedside praying over him. He is that way if I'm cowering in the corner with a bottle of wine trying to escape the pain. Again, some of Ella's words come to me ... she told me, "God's yoke is easy, his burden is light." At which I emphatically said ... "Whatever ... this burden is heavy. It is heavy, heavy, heavy." She was gracious enough to not shout, "Hey miss God-complex ... perhaps the burden is heavy, heavy, heavy because you are carrying it without God!" Well, perhaps today I will try to let God carry this. I will try ... no promises.
Update for this morning:
- Kidneys are still closed for business.
- No infections have been detected. White blood cell count has dropped. This is great since one of the theories concerning all this is that Chuck's back in infected.
- Chuck looks AWFUL ... poor baby. He's all swollen and miserable.
- Lungs are good.
- J-tube feedings have resumed, but at a very low rate. They have added T.P.N. feedings (through the vein ... now that Chuck has a PIKK line again).
- Dr. Hebert (kidney doc) has stopped the fluid pumping ... as Chuck may burst. He is still optimistic that the kidneys will kick in.
We are sending our love out to you!
