Sunday, January 06, 2008

Hmmm, where to start? I've been completely uninspired to write as of late. Here are some of the thoughts rolling around in my head:

What do I do? Look at me! Surely God can use me. I've been through it...sharpened by pain...molded into a finely tuned care-taking-machine...ready to serve...sorta...I'm afraid...so afraid! Here's the deal, I keep trying to figure out God's plan. I'm thinking, look - I'm single and willing...sorta. Surly God can use me somewhere special? (That's the deal...must be special...that's me playing God again. I just figure, if I had to go through all that PAIN, surely it's to put me in a situation where I will heal the world of all it's hurts...or some such amazing thing.) Oh, I don't know...I'm afraid to take a leap of faith...I want God to spell it out before I move an inch, "Jan, I want you to sell all that you have and go to India to serve the poor," or some such dramatic thing.

And what's more, THIS WAS NOT MY DREAM. Truly, my dream has always been to stay home, take care of my husband and kids. That's it. My dream. So here I am...a widow...no children of my own...soooooo not working out the way I had wanted.

Oddly enough, I am inspired by a story that Mel Brooks tells of Gene Wilder. Gene wanted desperately to be a serious actor. Can you imagine? As Mel explains, "God took one look at Gene and said, FUNNY." As it turns out, Gene is one of my all time favorites...sooooooo funny...so very, very funny. Surely God has taken a look at me and stamped me with some trait that will serve the world?

Alright...so I am trying to just look at where I am...what I know...how I can help TODAY...right where I am. As is my way, I'm making this too hard. It's at times like this that I REALLY miss Chuck...to speak simplicity and truth to me...and to laugh at how ridiculously melo-dramatic I can be.