So now what? Being in Hawaii was such a delicious break from reality. Since it was all girls...husbands at home...it was almost like Chuck was waiting for me. I did not realize that until it was time to go home...it just broke my heart.

Okay-so I wanted to share the simple yet PROFOUND exercise that brings me so much healing. Don't know why it works...I'm sure there's tons o' psycho-blah-blah and spiritual stuff behind it. All I know is that it has brought my Chuck back to me. My dreams of him, my thoughts of him now are MOSTLY of the Chuck I built my life with.

Now, I must confess, I've only done this three times...as it's a bit intense for me...pulls up PAIN and exposes it. It has always been my nature to analyze emotions and actions...so it is surprising to me that I avoid doing this. I only do it when I feel I'm stuck..when sorrow builds and I find myself pushing it down...I often push it down with positive self-talk...which prohibits any "real" heartache to surface. Know what I mean?...like, "Jan, there's nothing you can do about it so don't waste your time with those thoughts...." Sometimes, you MUST have those thoughts....you must play them out, expose them so that they have no power to control you.

Here we go...I find a safe, comfy place. (I have chosen the corner of my laundry room). It is important for the place to be safe...and designated ONLY for this exercise. I set a timer for 15 minutes...no longer. I light a candle, and hold Chuck's wedding ring. Then I let the thoughts and emotions come. The first time I did it, I had an agenda. I had specific places I needed to revisit...the first time Chuck's heart stopped...the last time I saw him before the surgery...the first time I had to sign paperwork for a surgery...the first time I was told Chuck would die...the first time his hardware was exposed. Now, I let the thoughts come of their own accord...and boy do they come! I have conversations with Chuck like, "You idiot! How did I ever let you talk me into this?" I have conversations with myself, "You idiot! Why didn't you push harder to stop him? Why didn't you stand up to him? You know you could have stopped him!" I am amazed at the thoughts that have been lurking in my heart...I am also amazed at the weeping...the sounds that pour out of me are barely human.

I cry myself out...completely. I've never made it to 15 minutes...which is kinda cool cause when your heart breaks like that you think it will last forever...you think you'll never stop crying. Once I'm calm, I blow out the candle, get a drink of water, and look at a picture of my Chuck...of him living life. Each step is important...the stopping to shift gears...blowing out the candle , getting water, refocusing on the real Chuck...it's all important. Don't know why it works...but it does.

Bailey is something else...she is a loyal, devoted dog...but she is NOT overly affectionate. However, when I'm done with this exercise, she always comes to comfort me. I sit on the ground and she comes to lick my face and hands...then she sits right beside me for a minute or two. Once she's sure I'm alright...she goes about her usual business.

So, what's left? What does this do for me? It helps me go back to get my Chuck...to bring him forward into my present and future life. It lets me see the truth behind my questions...my doubts...it shines light on the thoughts that could destroy me if I didn't ask them. It brings me comfort. It heals my wounds. It heals my life. It heals me.