It was another gut-wrenching Sunday...Sundays often shake me to my core. Why? Not sure...probably has to do with worship...with coming before God broken...and singing to him...knowing what a small offering that is. The music stirs my soul...Greg often laughs at me...and shakes his head. He knows when I cry through his worship sessions (3 out of 4 Sundays)...and rightly makes fun of me.

So I'm already a blubbering mess before Paul brings up the topic of "contentment" and having it no matter the circumstance. My mind races ahead of this to trusting God..."forever God is faithful, forever God is strong, forever God is with us...forever." Yes...I believe that. I believe he will heal my broken heart. I believe I am going through the journey he lovingly laid before me...for me. I trust all of this...but I DO NOT LIKE IT. I'm thinking to myself, "I just want things to be easy...I don't like all this pain and suffering and struggling in life. I want a break!" So I ask myself the all-important question, "Why? Why do I think having no pain will make things better?" and it hits me...because then I will feel secure. I will feel safe if everything is "right"...if everything is calm and happy, then I will feel safe.

Sooooo again I ask the question, "Why?" I want to feel safe so desperately...why do things have to go my way for me to feel safe? After all, that's what safe is to me...everything calm, everything happy, no worries, no threats, no heartaches...total peace. BUT WHY? Why can I not have the safety and the peace when things are in disarray? WHY MUST IT BE MY WAY? Can I truly feel peace in the midst of the storm? Can I?

I know the answer to that is yes. I know from scripture and I know from experience. I remember the calmness of my spirit as Chuck lay dying. I remember the peace in my heart as he struggled to let go. I've memorized..."Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding" as well as "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS."

So? This is where the rubber meets the road...and I'm NOT feeling secure. I reckon I don't trust Christ so very much. I don't get who I am apart from him. I don't get how I should feel...all peaceful and stuff. It's beyond me...beyond my grasp. "I believe. Lord, help me with my unbelief!!!!"

There was a time of prayer offered after services today...a time to pray with someone...and I went forward. A voice in my head whispered, "Make sure it is a woman." Odd...nonetheless I obeyed. And since there was only one woman at the front...I waited for her. She heard my confession..."I do not feel secure with Christ. I do not feel safe...I do not, do not, do not. I want to...oh, I want to! BUT I DON'T." As she put her arm around me, I understood why her...it was my mother's arm...my mother's rubs on the back...my mother's pats of reassurance. (I inherited my mother's ability to crush you with love...poor Chuck. When the woman hugged you, you didn't know where to cry out for mercy or relax into it so that your bones didn't break. I'll tell you this much...I miss those mighty hugs...and I've yet to meet another woman who can give them...until this morning.) So as I'm pouring out my shame and frustrations, my "mother" is encouraging me...and touching me...and assuring me...all through the loving, STRONG, hands of this sweet woman. And I was touched by this sweet gift from God...I am incapable of explaining the power of this gift to a broken child needing her mother.

So, do I magically feel secure now? NOPE...but I know it is the work of God to ease me into this security. I know it is there...waiting for me as I'm waiting for it. I do trust it will happen. God wants this waaaay more than I want this...and I REALLY want this. So, I'm waiting...hopefully, prayerfully, expectantly...waiting.