Not Funny, Not Funny...Yet.

Whew. ROUGH morning...very rough. I had horrible nightmares about Chuck...the kind that linger. I woke up crying in the middle of one of them...got up, drank some water, prayed...and went back to sleep. BIG mistake because the second dream was worse than the first...the theme was me failing Chuck which lead to great suffering...my inability to take good care of him. In one dream he got to come home (yea), but because I did not take very good care of him, he got really sick...I felt so responsible...causing him so much misery. So I woke up with this burden...I had failed my husband. I had failed him...I had failed him.

Okay...so I somehow make it to church after trying to drown my sorrows in Kix cereal (three bowls)...to face the four and five-year-olds...with images of Chuck in misery haunting me. New system started at church...we're computerized...so I needed to check in for my attendance. My leader, Faith, was showing me what to do...entered my phone number and up pops...yep, Chuck's name. CHUCK'S NAME. Faith saw the name too, and immediately went to comfort me...too late...I was a woman on the edge and this pushed me right over. I cried...and so did Faith...poor thing. I felt bad for her...such an incredibly awkward situation. She did great. You know, sometimes the very best thing to do for someone who is heartbroken is cry with them. The situation called for tears, and she delivered...and she assured me I would laugh about it later...and I'm close...but soooooooooooo not funny yet.

After church I called my spiritual voice of reason...and cried some more...and Shea wisely pointed out that God is bringing something new to the surface. He's gentle that way...presents our hurts to us when we are ready to deal with them. Apparently somebody has been carrying around some false guilt. Ooops. It may be time for me to honestly look at what happened when Chuck died...honestly dissect it...honestly look at my actions and know...I did the best I could. I did. I did the most gentle thing I could do for the man I loved more than anything in this world. I did. It's easy to write these truths...it's another thing to believe them for myself...to know I did all I could do. I did. (The repetition is for my benefit...to convince myself...not working so much as of yet.)

That God...so amazingly gentle with those who are hurting. It is time to face what I did not even know I had hidden. Please pray for wisdom and discernment as I go through this new stage of grieving.

It's hard to remember...but oh so true...that everything that happens in my life comes out of love...so what am I afraid of? At this point (at all points)...everything rides on hope now...everything rides on faith somehow.