Ouch, ouch, ouch. It hurts to breathe...nothing physical. I had to remind myself all day, "Just keep moving...just keep moving." I accomplished NOTHING at work, save breathing...air in, air out. Some days, that's a lot to ask for.

I cannot explain how I got here, or even where I am...but I'm incredibly upset to discover that my husband is not coming back. Who'd a thunk? I spent all weekend restlessly moving about the house...going from room to room...never able to settle anywhere...not even in the backyard, my favorite refuge. I made TWO trips to AMC and one to Barnes and Noble...seeking a place of calm...or escape...not realizing until today that I was searching for Chuck. I did not find him. He's not coming back. Everything I've been learning about...finances, home upkeep, car repair...none of it will bring him back. I really wish someone had told me this earlier. I've been moving steadily forward but now I "see" that I am NOT moving toward Chuck. Clearly, someone dropped the ball...who's in charge of informing me of these things?

I have this whole great life before me...only it's not the life I want. It's like wanting to be the angel in the school play but you have to be the stupid lamb. My post from yesterday...offering my life in service...who was I kidding? I WANT TO BE CHUCK'S WIFE. That's it. I do not want to be Mother Theresa...I do not want to be a pillar of strength. It's like someone is behind me...pushing me forward...no matter how hard I dig my feet in, the force behind me is greater. I want to scream...WAIT, WAIT. I'm not ready for this. I can't make a new life. I can't do this. Please don't make me do this. Please.

Silence...and a big shove foward.