The Real Deal

Here's the real deal. I'm done medicating my pain through the sacrifice of deliciously plump, green acorns. I have been hiding at the Wylies...eating tons of chips...drinking tons of soda...abandoning any form of physical activity (other than stepping on green acorns)...and waiting. I think I'm going through an empty nest sort of thing...sans the kids leaving home...it is me leaving home. This realization all came about during lunch with a DEAR childhood friend. Reimer, as we always called Jennifer, was here visiting, and we met for lunch. She mentioned how sorry she was about what happened to Chuck...that one always throws me for a loop. How do I respond? I still don't know how I feel about what happened to Chuck. I may never fully know this side of heaven...what it all meant. But I do know this...loving Chuck as he struggled through those long days and encouraging Chuck as he died was the GREATEST honor of my life, coming only second to the honor of being Chuck's wife. I cannot express how unworthy I feel to have received this precious calling. So...now what? I feel a bit lost...my calling is over...my mission complete. To be honest, I really don't want a new calling. I would prefer to live out the rest of my days in obscurity...kind of isolating myself...awaiting my ultimate call home. Alas, my life is not my own...I was purchased with the blood of Christ. My life is not mine to hide away.

As God would have it, I am currently involved in a worship ministry for four and five-year-olds...teaching them how to DANCE, LEAP, SING, AND PRAY before God. Can you imagine a better gig? (Okay, admittedly not for everyone...but it hits that cheerleader/camp counselor thing RIGHT smack dab in the sweet spot.) It's like a weekly pep-rally...much like David's leaping and dancing before the Lord. In any case, one of the songs we've learned has held me captive for weeks: "Here is my life, Lord. You can use me to show the world you care."

So, though I cannot imagine a higher calling than the one fulfilled with my precious Chuck, I am timidly stepping out in faith...I will open my heart...I will stay involved with the world...I pray I am used...well.