This is my m.o., share something about myself that is honest...yet highlights my deep spiritual awesomeness (couldn't think of a better word). Okay, I'm being a bit hard on myself, but the truth is, I don't like people to WATCH me learn...requires a degree of humility that I lack...as of yet. I'm happy to share the lesson learned...once the struggling is done...if I've shared during the struggle, it's a happy coincidence...just part of God's plan of slowly molding me into the image of his son.

SO...here's the deal, thought I'd share what I am struggling with...show my TRUE spiritual immaturity...and let's see what God does. For my entire Christian life, I have lacked a true relationship with God. I don't get how to do it. I don't get how to be close and feel him. Each time I see my counselor, she asks, "So, how are you and God?" My answer is always a version of, "Distant." After a year of this distance...me struggling to be close to him...yet never achieving it, Tiffany states, "I think you may have some unresolved anger towards him."

At first I thought...no, surly not...I've dealt with that...right? But NO, I have not...and my anger is not for the obvious fact that Chuck is dead...it is this...HOW THE HECK CAN I HAVE A REAL, GIVE-AND-TAKE RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE PERFECT??? I WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE WRONG WHEN THINGS GO POORLY. GOD WILL NEVER SAY, "SORRY, JAN. I WAS WRONG." THAT SUCKS!!! I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK...ALL THE REACHING OUT...ALL THE EVERYTHING...ALL THE CHANGING. GOD IS PERFECT AND NEVER CHANGES!!! HOW IN THE WORLD IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR ME? IS THAT EVEN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP...ONE PERSON MESSED UP BEYOND BELIEF WITH SOMEONE COMPLETELY WONDERFUL? ISN'T THAT A BIT CO-DEPENDENT??? WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

So there. My anger at God...fully expressed in all its embarrassing self-centered, pridefulness.