They way I see God is coming to the fore front of the battle for my gentleness...my tenderness. There's a war waging...will I become bitter or will I become meek? When I let go, I drift toward bitter. When I stop "renewing my mind," I fall. Truly, it is a daily battle to TRUST God. Here's a little example:

A few days after our anniversary, I took off my wedding ring. I was not ready to take it off, but I did anyway. My thinking..."I will never feel ready to take it off, so I might as well get this over with." I went two days without it, and tried to tough it out. My sweet friend, T, reminded me-"You have permission to wear it, Jan. The pain you are feeling right now-that gives you the right to wear that ring." Also-there's the whole issue of trusting that God WILL bring me to a point of healing...that he WILL bring me to a place where I can take off the ring and feel like I can breathe. Just not yet.

So-still not so much trusting God...still taking matters into my own hands...and might even be viewing him as a bit of an enemy...as someone out to get me. The danger being this, I have become BLIND to him despite his workings. I saw miracle after miracle while Chuck was hospitalized, yet I failed to see God. I failed to see his provision for me. I failed to see how he tenderly prepared me for what was coming. Much like the Isrealites who walked between two freakin walls of water and failed to see God, I have become BLIND to HIM. My prayer is for new eyes...to see God in the midst of Chuck's hospital stay.