God is picking on me...and I'm not okay with it. I AM MAD. Something weird and painful is going on...has been going on for the past three weeks...and I'm starting to put the pieces together. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THE CURRENT STATE OF AFFAIRS IN MY LIFE. I have been an obedient daughter...doing the hard stuff. God said, "be kind to Chuck even though he's left you"...so I was kind. Yeah, God restored our marriage...then took my HUSBAND ANYWAY. "Give me Chuck"...I gave him Chuck. "Sell your house"...I sold my house. "Give up your chance to have Chuck's baby" (long story...) but I gave that up, too. He asks, I give, he asks, I give...WHAT GIVES?
Here's my thinking...HE OWES ME BIG TIME...I feel like I'm in the type of marriage with God where I give, give, give and He takes, takes, takes...and then He has the nerve to ask for more. Sure...it's a lie...but BROTHER does it seem like the truth.
I know...I'm under attack BIG time because God is exposing new truths to me concerning my significance...apart from meeting certain standards and apart from being accepted by others. He's exposing new truths to me as I learn to listen to him in new ways. Thanks to my small group, I've been introduced to the discipline of fasting. God put it on my heart to take one day a week for fasting and prayer. It's been incredibly powerful. Never have I hungered so much for God.
In light of all this growth, I went to see "Fireproof." (It's a powerful movie that will change lives and save marriages...but that's beside the point.) It opened some painful wounds in me...filling me with thoughts like, "HEY PUNK...WHERE' MY HAPPY ENDING? YOU ROBBED ME GOD...YOU BIG BULLY...THINK YOUR SO TOUGH PICKING ON THE OBEDIENT GIRL? LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE SHE'LL GIVE UP...SUCKER."
Uh, so here I am...mad but hopeful. A wise friend reminded me...I haven't even gotten to the blessing yet...and not to lose faith that GOD IS FAITHFUL. So, I'm waiting...not so much peacefully, as the person in the song is...but rather angrily...expecting the best OR ELSE.
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My name is quite simple. It is Jan. However, coming from the Texas Panhandle, I pronounce my name with two syllables. The "correct" way to say my name is Jay-uhn. Thus, when I introduce myself as Jay-uhn, I am often misunderstood. "Jane, Janine?" people ask. "No," I respond, "just Jan."
About Me
Sites I Visit Frequently
- Fix Up Chuck
- Greg Coplen Ministries
- Greg Coplen Music
- The Roach Crew
- Woman at the Well House
- Lions Camp Blog
- Texas Lions Camp
- Charis Hills
- Paul Wilson Studio
- High Plains Observer
- Against the Window Pane
- Bring the Rain
- Every Season
- Grateful for Grace
- Jenny
- Lifting My Eyes
- Melissa
- Miracle Numero Dos
- Pink and Green Polkadots
- Six Seven
- Streams in the Desert
- To Make a Short Story Long