For the past two weeks, I have been a bit weepy...longing-for-Chuck weepy. Memories of him sneak up on me at odd times...on the way to the cafeteria...on the stairwell...walking to the copier...and the tears come. So basically, I'm walking around at work with tears either ready to spill...spilling...or, well, you get it. It's a busy time right now (work and home) and there are probably many contributing factors...but here's the deal. The year anniversary is fast approaching...and I don't want it to come. I find comfort in thinking, "a year ago Chuck was...". I do NOT want to get too far away from his living years...I want them to stay fresh. I do NOT want to say, "a year ago Chuck was dead and I was in agony."

I think the weather is a contributing factor...it was HOT when Chuck was here in the hospital. I remember keeping a pair of flip flops in my car for after work...I'd truck out through the HOT parking lot at work...slide on the comfy flip flops...rush to the hospital and PRAY for a spot under a tree...trek across the HOT parking lot...and up to my beloved. My body seems to be responding to the HOT weather by recycling these memories...and its not just the weather...it's smells. Each season seems to come with its own smells...its own signature...for me all of summer screams...Chuck's death is coming...it's coming.

So...while the anniversary is still a month and a half away, please start praying for this big transition. Please pray that I allow the pain to wash over me. Please pray that I weep freely...and reach for comfort from God and others. Pray for a way for me to commemorate the day....